In the short story "My parent's Bedroom" Monique's father kills the mother in order to save the children. This is an example of a time when "killing is wrong" should be bent. Reason being that the odds were stacked against him, either her or all. It's an unbareable decision having to kill someone you've dedicated your life to for years because of what she is. Also, the couple had Tutsi's hiding in the ceiling, where the father made a promise to Maman that he wasn't going to tell; or else they would all die. As his brother tells Papa that he had to do the same thing, it made him feel as though he has no other choice but too.
Monique's father's action couldn't even be considered as a choice because the only choice was kill or be killed. It's a sense of knowing what is the right thing to do at that time. If the father had thought of another solution, Maman could've still been alive, in return of Papa's death. He could've attacked the mod to save Maman and the kids at the same time. In result, Monique and Jean wouldn't have to travel, alone.
TOPIC SENTENCE: 1 point1(A) = The topic sentence restates the question and makes the writer's position clear. It immediately engages the reader and does so in an original, creative way. The topic sentence is thought-provoking for the reader.
ReplyDeleteSUPPORTING DETAILS: 2 points
2(A) The writer chooses unexpected details and examples from the reading or real life. The support shows, explains or proves the writer's position without a doubt. The reader is left feeling persuaded by the details and examples.
ORGANIZATION & UNITY: 1 point
1(A) = The paragraph sticks to the topic. The writer avoids repetition or redundancy. The paragraph is organized in a logical, efficient manner.
CONCLUSION: 1 point
.8 (B) = The conclusion recaps the topic sentence and summarizes the evidence, without repeating it word-for-word. It satisfies the reader's curiosity about the topic and allows her to answer the "so what?" question.
TOTAL = Add the scores from each section together. ----4.8
Paragraph 2 --
TOPIC SENTENCE: 1 point
1(A) = The topic sentence restates the question and makes the writer's position clear. It immediately engages the reader and does so in an original, creative way. The topic sentence is thought-provoking for the reader.
SUPPORTING DETAILS: 2 points
1.4 (C) The examples and details provided are from the reading or from real life. There is sufficient support to show, explain or prove the writer's position.
ORGANIZATION & UNITY: 1 point
1(A) = The paragraph sticks to the topic. The writer avoids repetition or redundancy. The paragraph is organized in a logical, efficient manner.
CONCLUSION: 1 point
.75 (C) = The conclusion recaps the topic sentence and summarizes the evidence, without repeating it word-for-word. The reader understands the purpose of the paragraph and can answer the "so what?" question.
TOTAL = Add the scores from each section together.------4.1
The best part about these paragraphs is ....
ReplyDeleteThese paragraphs could be improved if the writer ....
Darrell,
ReplyDeleteThere's a strong topic sentence here. These two sentences need revising:
This is an example of a time when "killing is wrong" should be bent. Reason being that the odds were stacked against him, either her or all. It's an unbareable decision having to kill someone you've dedicated your life to for years because of what she is
See possible revision:
This is an example of a time when THE "killing is wrong" RULE should be bent BECAUSE the father had to kill his wife to save the rest of his family.
You need to be more careful with proofreading. There are a lot of sloppy errors here. We'll be discussing fragments, run-ons and wordiness, so you'll want to pay careful attention to those lessons and apply them to a revision of this.
Also, it's tough for me to read white writing on a black screen. Could you please change your template? I'll show you how in class. Thanks,
Kara